I am a bad loser, that may be the worst thing about me. Things said from other people when I lose sit in my head and grow and grow making losing worse. I wish I could just turn and walk away . But ultimately I get mad. I think of losing as a reflection on me. Today I lost and I am mad. I know it is silly and by tomorrow I will be fine but for tonight those things said will drive me crazy. What did I lose?? I didn’t get the job promotion that I wanted, reason being… I didn’t have enough leadership ability but if I work on it there is a high possibility I will get one of the next ones. Great, isn’t it funny that every job I have had since I have been working(16), I have been in management ( with in 2 years usually closer to 1 year) I guess those jobs were so wrong. I was not a good leader dam I was lead astray by so many others. I have never felt this bad about not having something, than I did today when I heard that. To me it felt like a personal attack. I will say it right now, so you know ,I am a leader, it’s in my sign. Not only that, but most of my life I have had the ability to get anyone to do anything I want. Yes it has gotten a little week lately but I still can get it done if I need to, I just feel like sometimes it‘s not fair to play that card. Dam I hate when I feel guilty. I am a go to person in my department, people who have been there longer than me ask me how to do things. They ask me to be a closing floater, yet I am not leadership material right now. Well I tell you what don’t ask me any more, don’t treat me like I am. I guess I don’t deserve the money for doing the job I do. Dam
By the way I am a Leo.. I have not been acting quite like a Leo lately I guess that getting older has calmed me. But no longer I am going back to the person eating get a head bitch I used to be and that’s that. ( Yikes that could be scary)
I know great things are coming I can feel it. Just hope I have the gas to get my life in that lane.
Nothing new on the song writing front just same old same old. I need to vent tonight so that I can sleep. Also I was too stressed for yoga.. How is that possible. Yoga would have calmed me if I went.. you call that lazy...
Again C. thanks for lending me that CD I listened more today and yeah I love it. I love “life isn’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride.” so true I may get that tattooed around the compass I plan on getting in the near future.. Well I am a sissy who would probably change my mind after getting one so in my mind that’s the tattoo I would get. Nothing here to change the world just junk.. I am sure like I said last night it is coming..
Until then this is the modern day cowboy ridding in the west to seek a place to lay my head. When the sun rises and the winds blow I will write again…

Ok so I have not written in almost a week I guess that life isn't that cool. Well I guess I could say that it is to busy to write but that would be a lie. I do have good news I am going to the Bahamas WOOHOO the modern day bright white cowboy is going to the beach. I hope every one enjoys the secound sun.. Thank god I have a lucky friend that won the trip. I need to get out to a warm spot on the cold spring months. Let me tell you we are going to have an adventure trip. not your normal lay on the beach and drink trip although there will be some of that...I will keep you posted. I think a little beach time will help my music.. It seems to help kenny...

So try as I might my mind has started to write another song I have tried really hard to ignore this one. Tried to put it on a back burner but alass it is very pushy.I need a writting partner to keep me on track help me finish what I start. I am for ever going to be the girl who wrote 500 half songs. You really can't get anywhere with that.. Oh by the way to the friend who lent me the Gary Allen CD you rock I loved it and I found a new song that I love it's the last one on the CD.. All the songs are good but I really like that one.. Thanks.

I was in the car and I was thinking about what to write on here tonight. I don't know why but when I am in the car or walking around the health track I come up with the best things to say and write.. At least I think so, but then when I get home I can't rememeber what I was going to say that would change the world. All I can come up with is the junk I write but the good stuff is comming. One day I will take a walk with my laptop and I will capture the meaning of life and tell it to you..I bet you can't wait..

I have still been working on this..
I have walked among giants but none of them men. ..
I hope to post my progress tomorrow after YOGA.. On the health news I have started a weight lifting class my butt hurts as well as my arms but dang I feel good....
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I fell apart for five years
never really knew what to fear
I listen to you hateful words
And fell a sleep in my own world

You can't stop me any more
I slamming that swing door
you can watch as I leave
I'll give you something to believe

Remember when I said
I won't be comming back
I know you didn't think
it would ever come to that

My bags were packed
And life goes on
I hope you waited ( for me )
alittle to long

See what my mind does it gives me crap like that for no real reason adn I am suspost to make something out of it I hope to see what I can do but I have enough on my plate already...
Good night untill tomorrow

Yoga, Yes this modernday cowboy does yoga. And not in my jeans but in yoga attire. I love it because it relaxes me and for a minute during relaxation time I can say my mind is clear. I can have a blank moment it is nice. Plus if you need to stretch something yoga works. I was way off balance today in class kept falling out of the poses but I still feel good. I am a little shacky now, nust have worked harder than I thought.

Do you ever want to just wake up and be five years down the road. like in movies where the people are kids and when they go to sleep they wake up driving the mini van full of kids down the street. best part about it is that they have all the memories they just got it done. I wish I would wake up in the year I have enough money. The only problem with that would be I may never wake up.You know me wanting to be a forest ranger and all. I could have a life time full of being broke. I guess money isn't everything but it can buy you almost anything..

I want to buy you and drink
so what do you think
could we sit and talk a while
I couldn't help but see your style
I saw the smile on your face
lit up the hole dam place

I had some place I was going with that but now I lost the trail and I am stranded in the forest of self dout. I may be crazy... WAIT I have said that before I guess I should just admit it I am crazy and you have wasted your time reading the words of a crazy person... Oh well I guess it beats talking to your self for another night... Admit it you talk to your self I can't be the only one.. Hell yes I answer my own questions I just told you I am crazy...

Anyway while I was at yoga I had all these deep inspiring things I was going to wirte and nowI have blowen it for another day I'll try again tomorrow... By the way i didn't win the lottery yet guess I can try it again another day ....

good night

Imagin for a minute that life is exactuly what you think it is. What would it be like to get up in the mornings and not have to expect anything. You'd already have done what your going to do and it would be just life. Because if life was exact you would never have to have dreams. Because nothing would come from it. And we would be a socitey of jacked up people just moving through time in an effort to die.. Just my thought on that. So people should be happy when things happen you can't stop and when life changes we should rejoice other wise look at the options.

On that wonderfully strange paragraph. I am closer to having a song. Spent the weekend working on cords and practicing playing the guitar. Which I am not good at, but what I envision being really good at someday. Maybe every one will know me then HAHAHA everyone already knows me, at least in my world....

I have made an observation today, as I get older women in my life have become closer. I used to hate women I had mostly male friends. I went camping, hiking, fishing, drinking with them. I had 2 real girlfriends but spent most of my time with men. I was ONE OF THE GUYS, really is a sucky place to be when you want to date the guy. But you learn so much, other women should have paid me for the inside scoop. I could have been rich. Anyway I was sitting in a room with all women and all ages and I felt comfortable. I like the idea of sitting with some of these women and having a drink, talking about things that you can only talk to, with people who are in your shoes. I admire what they all have done with their lives I want to look back at my life and hope I was half the person any one of them are. And I am very blessed to know them nomatter how little.

See that is life the time to grow and change to be who you want to be and find what you don't want to be.. You know what I know I don't want to be a hooker, Sorry to any working girl, who is probally to busy to see that I don't want to join that profession, to be on the computer. I do want to write and take pictures. I want to be a forest ranger yes as silly as that sounds when I say it that would be a dream job I think I will work on that...

I have a place I need to go
A place thats full of ebb abd flow
A calling deep inside my mind
far from the daily line
take me there on your way back
for time to get there is what I lack

goofy ryme from Me Hope
you join me agin when I could have something good to say

good night from the modern day cowboy

So dog ( english mastif) ramed into the front door this morning to get the mail man. She chased him down the street and god knows where. After a while she came home. I hope she didn't bite him. She was such a nice dog untill her house became crowed with people. Yep the rednecks have moved into my house. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with red necks because I am one, but I am on a different level than the ones who have moved in. Yes a modern day cowboys life has a little unrest.

I have more to write but not the time I might do more later tonight but had to write about the dog.. DO you think I can get a song out of that???

I am a modern day cowboy who wants to throw away this freeking computer. I had just about finished this blog when I was lost. I had written a poem that had just come to me and I don't remember it because I wrote it as I was typing on here and that was the only place I had put t yet. And to think I had just wrote that I was out of my funk dam everytime you get some where you fall just a little guess that is life. Lets see if I can rememeber any of the crazyness I wrote...here it goes.

I've walked among giants but none of the men. I have fallen to my knees and reached for them. The river I passed took me from the brewing storms. And I was sheltered in comforting arms. The sky was dark grey with light colored mist. How dose it know me? and call out my name. The birds sing it, the tress bend to it, and I follow it. The animals howl deeply, with the lust for life eat or be eaten, take or be taken. Thoes wild beast call my name. why does it sound so different. Then when you say it..Winds touches my skin. So light, so soft. As I lay beside the giant. Off a fade trail. This is my life....

Well some how that dosen't sound as goodI will have to work on figuring out what I had written and go from there.. Now I will finish with what I had written before..

I have strated a new song not by choice but by the madness that is me. I got off the phone with a friend the other night and something she said stuck with me I tried to sleep but it ran over and overin my mind new lines new words here and there untill I was forced to get up I started to write and it was good.I put a slight pick pattern that i thought would go to it adn before longI have more of a song than I have had in a while I will work on cords tomorrow adn hopefully some more words. I am on a good track hope I don't derail...Just to let you know the first verison was better but I needed to hurry this time before my battery dies.. By theway I plan on being a mulit milllionaire tomorrow so julie when I call you and say pack you bags we are taking a year long trip.. you'll know why we will have the money and time... hahaha good night time to put out my old bed roll

I have been in a funk, I would love to blame it on the fact that I am giving up my hot chocolate but alas I didn't drink it that much. What is going on is life itself I have this whole greatness thing looming in the picture. I have a job that is about to screw me and others like me, and I am me. First off I like me I really do. In fact I think everyone likes me even if they won't admit it. But I have a serious Attitude ( sometimes) that truley you'd have to be a sait not to punch me. And the funny thing is I know it, I just can't stop it. I think I have the right to say and do as I want but others can't say and do what they want to me.. ( note this is not everyday just on occasion) The other thing about me is if I could mess it up then I would. I feel I should let you all in on the Dierks Bently mishap just to prove a point.. here is goes..

So I joined his fan club becuse he is a great song writter I love his music and yes he is easy enough on the eyes. Anyway I signed up for the meet and greet at the utah state fair and I got a pass. I was excited I could tell him how much I loved this song and ask how he wrote it. But my mind started to get me. I wondered what do you say to people who are famous. Do they really want to talk to you . I consulted a friend that has met famous people and she said it was ok and I was fine. So the day came and I had instructions on where to go and how to meet him.. Yeah I didn't pay attention so I went to the wrong side and anyway I wond up being late to meet him. So they were rushing us through and so when I finally get up there to meet him I put my hand out with the item I wanted him to sign and he didn't take it. He said I want to shake your hand, I didn't pay attention. So he said it really slow I just want to shake your hand. To make it worse I'm not sure I ever did shake his hand, I remember him taking the camera from me and handing it over. and I didn't say one word other than my name. Yeah I am a dork. I am completely sure if I ever meet him again he will be hey your that chick who wouldn't shake my hand... Yep if I can mess up I will...Maybe when I get this song done and I am famous it won't matter how messed up I am ( HAHAHA)

So I am in search of a new job. One that will send me every where, I want to travel 300 days a year I want to go and see even if it from a plane window. Do you have any idea where I can find that job?? if you know of one let me know really I will owe you for life.. Because I am unsettled I need an unsettled life to go with it. And just maybe in the long run that will settle me down..

Tomorrow is going to be the best blog ever for me so you should stop back by. The song is going well still and I have a few good things to yap about..

By the way I am a modern day Cowboy

night

ok so Maybe I won't say I am a modern day cowboy ... No I will " I am a modern day cowboy and proud of it..There that said I can go on. Maybe tonight I will finish a few more lines like I did after the last entry.

I had a conversation about addiction with my brothers wife to be today. She herself being addicted to meth. I have never understood addiction. I have never been addicted to anything ( at least I didn't think I was) I asked why she would do something that would mess her up. Make her give her child to random people to raise. She really didn't have the answer. What she did have was the idea that it made her hate herself when it was over but love it while it was on. She said it was a need that would drive her crazy if she let it. I started to think, I was addicted to something and it is something silly. Every day I lay around the house hating the idea of getting up and going to the gym, I love the gym while I am there but hate just going. So I lay there and the only thing that gets me up and out is that when I am done at the gym I can stop by 7-11 and get a 16oz hot chocolate with 2 irish cream creamers. Yes that is what drives me to the gym. Sad and silly I know but I am addicted to it and as of today ( yes I did it today ) I am giving it up, I will go to the gym for one reason health and I will by pass the 7-11 and not spend my 1.27 on my monkey my addiction. Yes I understand it just a little, I am glade thats all I can relate it to.

Like I said I finished a few lines and for the last day or so I have had the same songin my head I have played with the words changed the beat. I have been very focused and that is a good thing. Yeah if I sit idle for a minute other things start to creep in and if someone says just the right thing a new song starts, but I am focusing in on just one or at least trying..

well that is all for today I am sure will have more to write later and something fun to read I hope but the battery is half dead on my lap top so I should go. I will sing the song that gives me joy and maybe just maybe come up with something better than the hot coco addiction...

I am always going to start with I am a modern day cowboy, Even though I am a girl and not into rodeo. Because Cowboy is a way of life, a deep seeded feeling that is inside a restlessness not felt by all, and not welcomed by most. I am a rebel inside a well mannered, nice talkin, chick. Ok well at least inside a Chick the rest may be a little bit of a stretch.

I mend my "fences" I ride my "hourse" and at times I have taken the fall so yes I am A modern day cowboy...

So I want to explain my title The country Music mind. It has a lot to do with what I am feeling, the state of Mind I am in now. You see music influces me to the core of what I am. All music not just country ( other than rap is a little to much for me, but it has moments). I hear it in layers the guitar, the picks and cords. The words, the meaning to the words, the back ground, everything. And if the song is good it sends me into creative over load. So of all the music that moves me country is tops, it is something that has been ingrained in me from birth. I remember sitting, ok more like laying in the back window of the car ( that should tell you I am older) listening to the most beautiful voice in the world, my mother. You must know that I really didn't like my mother, but her voice was something I could only hope to have one day. She would sing all kinds of country like pasty cline and, umm so I can only remember pasty. But she would put her heart and sole into, and I was amazed. I would get home only to hear the old country records my grandparents played and I loved it. I knew it all and that may be why I was a dork in school.. Well that was untill I found Def Lepord and New kids on the block, then I was cool. Or maybe not. Anyway Music for me is like a rollercoaster and like all rollercoasters you end where you began, and for me that is country music.

I went to a concert 3 weeks ago. Dierks Bently, If you don't know him you should. And ever since that concert I have felt an over whelming feeling of greatness. It feels as though it is right around the corner. What is it, what great thing is going to happen? I don't know, but what I do know it 's not a new Job, or love, or even a ton of money. Somethings you can feel and they all feel wrong. I think it has something to do with me getting out there, making a difference being what I was born to be..This feel is not new, in fact I have felt it on and off again for about a year. The only thing that has changed is that it feels very demanding this time. As if it was like the bright end of a shooting star, so intense before it burns away. I need to figure it out.
My writting has increased. I have music in my head that comes out in burst, a line here a chourse there. All good if I wasn't channeling 20 different songs that wake me up at 2 in the morning just to write what little I can down. I want to finish just one of them like I used to when I was 21 to 23 before I moved to Georgia and lost my freeking mind. ( more on that later)
So what I hope to accomplish with this page, is to create an outlet for the things I have in my head. All the muck that keeps messing up the good stuff. Yep you get to read the crazy Muck...I hope to find the missing piece. Put my life puzzle together. And Maybe I can meet others like me, song writters with a misson. People who play the guitar better. Spell better. have written that travel book. Have life figured out. Anyone one who will help my babble and in turn I hope you get to see the trials of writting country music in the mind of me...